I’ve promised myself today that I am not going to read my nieces email ever again. I can’t and I know I will never be able to make her understand or change her mind. I suppose I am also thinking that I was very naive, and that I still am.  I would have never said the things that Dawn said to me to anyone. Especially when what she thought she knew was based on what she had heard and been told. She had no idea of what the truth was, and she had no idea about my marriage and what it was like.  Maybe I am getting old, but I still respect other people’s feelings and respect the fact that I can only be aware of what I know to be true personally. Her words not only hurt, they made me sad that she was so angry about something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with her.  

I will still be kind to anyone I meet or have contact with or already know in my life, I will still send cards to the people I care about, and I will still do things to help anyone in need.  It is who I am; there is no ulterior motive in my actions.

Each day, week, month, I feel a part of my old self coming back. I’m learning to see Joy, I’m learning to just be in the moment and be thankful for the little things  The fact that I’m still here, I have my health, and I have so many other people who have stayed with me through all of what happened.  The people who know who I really am and know the there is no way the things that were said could be true.  There are people who are good in this world.  

It is much easier now that I do not ever have to be reminded over and over again by going back to court to pay more alimony.  (That is another long story) which I will go into another time.  In any case, I am thankful every day I do not have to worry about having to explain or justify my life or decisions or finances to anyone. I am free of the anger and free of being reminded of what happened through the alimony.  It is no one’s business what I do, where I go what I buy or what I say. Oh, and yes, I am free to express what I think by saying what I want.  No one can intimidate me or silence me.  It’s a good feeling to know that.  I do not need people who are incapable of having compassion or empathy in my life.  In that respect, I understand why the people who hurt me are no longer in my life.  I tried too many times to reach out to them and try to explain.  They really don’t want to know. Sometimes Love does not resolve all problems, it’s a harsh reality.  My mind was angry, but I still loved them.  They never loved me.  They were just who they are.   For too long, I made them into something they never were to begin with.

I try to remember all of that when it makes me sad that my children have no family on their father's side.  For too long, I wasted my time thinking they would see how what was happening affected our children but they did not care.  It is sad they have nothing to do with their father’s family.  I realize it is for the best because I don’t want them to be hurt.  If their father’s family would do what they did to their own brother, why would they treat his children any different?  They have escaped the circle of manipulation and narcissistic traits that their father’s family members flourish on.  I finally learned to see them for who they really are.  You cannot change people.  They are selfish and have no empathy or compassion. I do not say this lightly. I know from my experiences.  I begged them for compassion when my brother was sick, I begged them for compassion when I had no money. I begged them to make the anger and animosity stop. For my children's sake.  They did not care.  Sometimes things happen for a reason. I would have done anything to protect my children, and I would also have done anything to make sure they had relationships with their father's family. Even during and after our divorce. I understand now it was not meant to be.  I was fighting for the wrong things for too long.  It was out of my control, and they will never be hurt again.  And they were hurt also, not just me.   How does a person lock a child out of his own house?  How does a grandmother and aunt scream and yell at a 16 year old just because they were having a rough day?  Their anger at me could not be separated from their own nephew.  I realize now that was abusive also.  They are all emotionally abusive.  My children saw who their father's family really were over and over the last seven years, and especially during the last few weeks of his life.  They are old enough to make their own decisions.  My children are as free from the cycle of abuse as I am.  I am thankful for that, and so much more.