I take full responsibility for not recognizing that I wasn't responsible for my husband's behavior. It took me too long to figure out that my feelings were important and that they were not imagined or trivial. He knew me better than I did, and he was expert at using my emotions and feelings to get what he needed. I don't blame him, he grew up in an environment that encouraged that kind of behavior. Manipulation and blame, anger and control. He wasn't capable of understanding how his actions and words made me feel, he only understood in the sense that he could get what he needed by controlling my emotions. And I let him do it. When I finally figured out I wasn't responsible for making him happy, and I told him I knew what he was doing to me, he said, well "why did you let me do it then?" He knew, and I let him do it. The bad thing is, once I realized it, I tried to be reasonable and I tried so hard to do the right thing for him. The MS and his disability, I still had compassion for him, and I wanted to do the right thing for all of us.
What I didn't know was that it was too late. For both of us. His sister had other plans. And, if I thought he was controlling, she was the expert. She has a soul made of rock, and a heart of coal, the queen of ice. I still can't wrap my mind around a person with no feelings, but they exist.
2 comments:
I've read a number of your posts and have a lot of admiration for how you've survived and found strength in yourself through all this. It's amazing how much family dynamics can shape a person's entire way of being, isn't it? When I read this on your post, it's like a lightbulb went off in my head in regard to my own ex, who I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards (the bitter traumatic end is still relatively recent)... but I think remembering that his family dynamics probably played a lot into his not taking responsibility for his actions, feeling entitled to acting badly, etc. will help me get to a place of forgiveness.
Thank you! I didn't know if anyone read this, and I am horrible at the technical stuff. (not sure I can write in any manner that makes sense either) :) I want to learn how to better organize this blog. And yes, family dynamics does shape a person's entire way of being. My ex mother-in-law was very manipulative. I thought it was harmless for a long time, but now I see it differently. They do feel entitled. They think they are superior than the rest of us. I've read a lot about narcissism, personality disorders etc. and my ex and his family, have characteristics all across all of them. There are so many good books, one of the best I read was "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Very good and easy to read. I am also amazed at how many people are emotionally abusive and controlling. They used us, and you have a right to be angry. It's ok to be angry. It took me a long time to understand that. Our anger is not destructive or abusive, it's justified. You have to let yourself be angry, I used to go in my shower and scream and pound the wall, and then cry. I can tell you also, they are not happy people, if they were, they wouldn't need to do what they do.
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