He used the so many things to manipulate and control me, I don't know where to start. Toward the last few years of our marriage, the MS and the house became the major "controlling" factors I think. According to him, the MS made him do the things he did, and say the horrible things he said. The MS was his physical illness, and while it may have affected his thinking and reasoning processes, he did know what he was doing. It took me a long time to realize that.
As for the house, he always used money to control me, he knew I stressed about money, and he also knew he had to control our finances. For a long time that didn't matter to me, until I realized it was a way to control me. I wasn't working when he was first diagnosed with MS. I was actually on the brink of telling him I couldn't live with him any longer. His anger had escalated, at me and our youngest son for some reason. He took all of his problems out on him. When he was diagnosed, he told me that was why he was acting the way he was, and now that we knew he had MS, we could deal with it and he would work on his behavior. I made a conscious decisions to stay with him, and I promised him I would not leave him. (I want to go back to this time) but I will write about it another post. There were so many things that happened, too much to write here right now.
I was working part time around his shift work so we didn't have to have a baby sitter, I had no benifits, and I knew I needed to find a full time job at this point. I spent months looking for a full time job. I knew he may not be able to work one day, and I stressed about the house and how were we going to pay our bills? Also, he would lose his health insurance, and that would be terrible. He needed good health insurance in order to pay for any new treatments and his Dr. visits for the MS. And our children were still all so young, they needed consistency and they needed a roof over their heads. I have to mention that having a house was important to me. I had moved over 23 times before I was 18, not a very consistent situation. I don't blame my parents for that, I'm just saying I wanted my children to be able to live in a house that was theirs and not have to worry about moving over and over and being uprooted from their friends and that comes with moving.
And I did eventually find a job, but I had to start over again, at the bottom of the "ladder" in an administrative clerical job. But, the job had excellent benefits, and health insurance that would carry over even if he were unable to work. No pre-existing conditions clauses, which was common back then.
And so, as far as the finances, when he was angry at me, for whatever reason, he would always throw the house out there, he'd tell me he bought it, paid for it, and without any help from me. Of course, that was not true. I had worked prior to when our daughter was born, and had removed all of my retirement to pay towards the down payment on this house, (which was our second house) after we sold the first one. He did always insist on handling our finances, and for a long time I didn't care too much. I did hate having to ask him for money when I needed something. When I had to go back to work after he was diagnosed with MS, I told him I was opening my own checking account (with his name on it) and I would be direct depositing my pay check there. I outlined our finances, what he earned, next to my earnings, I told him I'd pay a percentage of our bills based on my earnings and his. He didn't like it, but I basically told him that's how it was going to be, and that it wasn't fair that he had complete control of everything. This was the beginning of me finally standing up to him for what I needed. I told him I would leave the house payment with him, (Paying it) I knew that may make him happier and more agreeable. In any case, I decided he was not going to control every penny like he had before. And that I deserved to be able to make decisions about money without having to ASK him if I could buy a ten dollar blouse for work, or take the kids to McDonald's. Because that is how it was before I went back to work and how it had been since we got married, even when I worked.
Over time, I went back to school at night to try to get a promotion. Within two years of my going back to work, he was unable to work any longer. He was in a wheelchair within 3 years. I was so focused on making sure we didn't lose our house, and making sure our children were taken care of, I lost all sight of what was important to me. I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone else. I had no personal life, other than an occasional visit with my family. But we didn't lose our house, and I got a better jobs and made more money to compensate for losing his income. As time went on, I earned more money and I would transfer money to his bank account also.
There came a time also where I realized we needed to move to a home that was handicap accessible, or we needed to make some serious alterations to our house. I consulted with a builder, and he offered to take my husband out and show him what he could do if we decided to buy or build a new house. I had explained my husband's reluctance to move. It didn't work out, he refused to sell or move. So, we got estimates for adding on to our existing home and for making the needed changes.
The work was set to begin in a few days, and I remember vividly the Saturday my husband was out and and sat down at the computer (which he used ALL the time) and I decided to check my email. He had left an instant chat open, and I didn't realize it. As soon as I started typing, a window popped up, from a woman's name I recognized. (I had found a letter and picture in his nightstand a year or so earlier) he had told me they were friends on line and she had MS also) I was upset then, and told him he could talk to me if needed) the envelope smelled like perfume, and I told him no woman just sends a picture of herself if she expects to be "Just friends" he assured me that was all it was, and that he would stop talking to her. Her name was Lois.
Ok, back to what happened that Saturday, a year or so later. (and it was in September of 2001) a week before 9/11. The instant messages became more graphic, and was in shock as I read more an more of what the woman (Lois) was writing in the instant chat. It became more and more graphic, so I answered her. Oh, OK, "that sounds interesting" hmmm. she was describing getting out of the shower and what she was going to do. I realized she thought she was talking to my husband. I let it go on for a bit, and then I told her who she was really talking to. She said, OH I SO AM SORRY! I closed the windows. When he got home, I told him I had a plane ticket for him to go to FL to visit Lois. For all I knew, he had probably already visited her. He had gone to FL to stay at his parents house a few weeks that year also. He was still driving at this time also.
At first, he acted like he had no idea who I was talking about, I must be crazy and imagining things. I told him I didn't want the work on the house to start, I needed a few weeks to process what was going on and I needed time to think before we spent over 100K on renovations to the HOUSE. I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew I needed time to think.
The next week, I got home from work one night, and the yard was dug up, a new septic was being put in (A requirement to add the new bedroom downstairs for him) and he had already paid the contractor the down payment on the work. He told me that I could never leave him, I'd pay the rest of my life if I did, he'd get the HOUSE and I would have to pay him. AHHH, the house again. I was starting to hate the HOUSE. Then, the guilt thing and the MS, he's red in the face screaming at me, how could YOU do this to ME?!!! I have MS, I am SICK, and you ARE GOING TO DO THIS TO ME? Here I was, feeling bad because of what he had done. It was so twisted. So wrong, and so NOT my fault. But, inside, I just felt bad and I wanted it to stop. The blame, the anger, and how it made me feel.
It's funny the HOUSE itself, is just a HOUSE. but it became the albatross. (these are the Judge's words also, after I ended up being forced to leave him four years later.) And she didn't know the whole story, why I left, or what the HOUSE really was the Albatross, for so many reasons.
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