TO Dawn

There are so many things you don't know. So many things you don't understand.

I had no motivation other than I was surprised by what had happened in court (that your aunt's told me to "stay away" from you). I did not understand, and that is why I asked you in the email. I was in no way saying you were a coward, or hiding behind your family. I would never "drive a wedge" between them and you. Why would I do that? It was not my intention, what I said in my e-mail was that I didn't understand what I had done, and I didn't know I had offended you in some way. I really didn't but obviously I have offended you unknowingly. It is not my nature or my intent to cause any problems for you. I did not mean to cause the pain that I have apparently some how caused you. I don't know how my marriage and divorce caused you pain, but then I guess there are a lot of things I don't know that you do know.

Maybe, someday, when you can separate yourself from the false information and you are more mature, you can somewhat be a little more understanding of things you have no first hand knowledge of.

Sometimes people are insecure and they are uncomforable with who they are, and they make others look bad. It helps them feel better about what and who they are. It validates their hurt, and it confirms that they are the only ones that are right. I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about the people who manipulate and misrepresent the truth. It helps others feel sorry for them, and then it validates that the other person is the horrible person, not them. Everything you have heard about me is not based on any particular truth or fact, it is all opionion and third person information. I have never professed to be perfect, but I am not the person you describe in your e-mail at all. If you really knew me, and if you knew my children, you would know this also. You talk about my children as if they are in grade school. Dawn, they are adults and they can choose, think and believe what they want. I did not involve them in our divorce, in fact, I protected them. Why do you think they don't talk to their father's family?

1) I did not "hate" your mother. I am sorry you chose to say that I did, but Hate is a very strong word I do not use. We were once friends. You were not born yet, so you would not know. I got tired of being compared to your mother all the time. Your grandmother continually compared us, we were nothing alike. It caused problems between us. I felt like we had to compete, and that isn't good. We weren't children, but yet that is how we were treated. Who did what first, who had a baby first, who bought a house first, who made more money, who had the better job. It was too much sometimes, and I just got tired of trying to measure up. I didn't mean to hurt your mother's feelings. I just got tired of playing the game, who does mom-mom like more this week? We were adults, and I got tired of being compared. It was that simple.
2) Your mom was very sensitive, I have no doubt that there were times she did not understand why we stopped being friends. I tried to talk to her, There were misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I stopped confiding with your mother because there was so much outside involvement I could no longer trust anyone. IF I hurt her feelings, I am sorry. You can't know if I mean it or not, but why would I even try to explain if I didn't care?
3) I do not pretend - I was and am who I am. Things that have been repeated about me and things that I supposedly said just were not so. Things that I said about your mother and when she was dying are not true. I only had compassion and complete sadness when I knew she was dying. I did not understand how people could talk about her behind her back and then pretend to be nice.
4) I know some of the (blank) family, (specifically your oldest aunt); helped your family during the last few weeks of your mother's life. I never said they didn't help her. But, I also know they were not very nice to your mother until they found out she was dying. Before that and after she had left your father, some of them were not so kind. I heard and saw it. That is what I was referring to. You do not know, and I do not wait until someone is dying to be nice, it's too late. I did contact your mother when she had left your father and offered my support, not to take sides. I do not pretend to be other than what I am.
5) I would never attempt to compare your parents marriage with mine. They are not the same. For one, I never had an affair, I never dated or had relationships with other men while I was married OR separated from your Uncle. Your father did not have multiple sclerosis, and your mother did not have to deal with what I did. There is NO comparison between your parents marriage and my marriage.
6) What happened on your mother's death bed is not my business, nor do I profess to know who forgave who for what and when. I only know what I heard from the particular person(s) who said what they said about your parents marriage and what did or didn't happen. I did not live in their home, their separation, divorce proceedings, or reconciliation was not my business, nor was I present. AGAIN, what I heard was through third parties.
7) WHICH, brings me to this. WHAT YOU HEARD was from the same sources that I heard things about your parents.
8) What is true, and what isn't??? Only two people know, Myself, and your Uncle. AND, our children to some extent, because they LIVED in our home. You did not, nor did the other people who you only HEARD the things that you believe to be true.
9) The truth is not so simple, and you are too young and naive to understand. I can only hope that you do not ever have to make the choices I made.

I stood by your Uncle for over 15 years when I should not have. I valued my "vows"
he did not. He was the one who had a girlfriend while I was at work to keep from losing our home and to make sure your Uncle had our home modified for him. I paid for those things. I cleaned him up when he crapped all over himself, all the while he is screaming FY at me. You were not there, no one from the Blank family was. I did it all myself. I took him to the Dr's, I cooked, cleaned and raised our children myself. I begged your Uncle to get help, I begged him to tell me why he was so angry all the time. I did all I could and more than any one in the Blank family could ever do or know.

Your Uncle also called his own son a bastard all his life. I gave all I could Dawn. YOU Did not live what I lived. You only know what you heard.

You were not there when I was trying to help my brother who was dying of cancer at only 36 years old. You were not there to hear your Uncle call my children's Uncle (my brother) names and threaten to "Chop his dog up in little pieces" while he was having surgery. You did not hear your aunt tell me I needed to get all of my things out my house or I could never come back and get them, along with my children's belongings. Who is cruel? You have no idea.

Your "Open hearted" family came in my home and took things, they blocked my bank accounts, they locked their own nephew and niece out of their home.

Dawn, I am not perfect, but I am not the person you think I am. There is no way I could ever change your mind, but I did not deserve what you said in your email. I was shocked to see such anger and cruel words. Yes, I was, even at my age. My children would never talk to someone the way you did to me. I taught them better. No matter what you think of me, I did try to keep my children out of my divorce. They know the truth. That is why they have no relationship with anyone in their father's family. I am their mother and they know who I am, you do not.

I don't know why you think I was trying to "Punish" anyone? What did I do? I don't know? Honestly, I only tried to force your Uncle to get the help he needed, with his Doctor's instructions. He wasn't right, he lied and was abusive, his behavior was out of control. Someone obviously has manipulated you to think things that just aren't true. They tell you what they want you to believe. It does not really matter, because my children know, and they know what I did or didn't do, and they also know I would never "Punish" anyone. I don't have it in me. If I had wanted to; I could have had all the details heard in a court room, and I chose to protect everyone from the truth. It only hurt me.
I would never compare myself to your mother. I did not know her hopes and dreams, I only know she died too young, AND I know she loved her children and she was a good mother. It's just that simple, I also respected her for standing up for herself and leaving your father when she couldn't take it anymore. It must have taken great strength, and that is what I was referring to me in my message to Katie, nothing more, nothing less.
I no longer care what you think or believe. I do have the right to tell my side of what happened. What I hope is that you never have to make the choices I had to make. You really do not know the truth. If I hadn't cared, what you said would not have hurt but it did. No more. I'm free of all the lies and anger. My children are adults, they can choose who they have relationships with, they know the truth. I will regard your comments to me as "your being young and inexperienced" If what you said were that simple; it would be so much easier, but it's not. By way of writing what happened, I hope to learn not to care and move on with my life, just as you so kindly told me to do. Move on.