My ex-husband had been abusive off and on when we were first married, but seemed to get better until he found out he has MS, unfortunately, it was around the same time our youngest son was born. He was abusive toward our youngest son much more often than anyone else. There was a time I was considering divorce, but then the MS and he told me that was why he was so angry. I never understood why his behavior was worse toward our son. Too many years went by, and his health would be good and then bad, I always took care of him when he was sick.   I did most everything on my own. Even when he was screaming at me and our son, calling us names and things I cannot repeat.  I cleaned the crap off him while he was laying on the floor, and then helped him get up off the floor. Many times. MS is a strange disease, the next day he might be perfectly fine physically.  Some days he couldn't get out of bed, sometimes he could do anything he wanted.  But, he had trouble with his bowels from the beginning, he was either constipated or had diarrhea and didn't make it to the bathroom in time.  He was over six feet tall, and I did help him the best I could on my own, or with our son's help.

 In counseling, he finally admitted he never wanted me to have our son. He had wanted me to have an abortion, and I had refused.   At the time 15 years earlier when I found out I was pregnant, and he told me what he wanted me to do, I told him I couldn't do that. And, we had talked, but now I know I did all the talking, he just listened. I explained why I couldn't do what he wanted, and I thought he understood. But years later, I had a nagging feeling and I would put it out of my mind. No, it was not possible to think what was in the back of mind.  By the time he admitted the truth, our son was 14, and I had threatened to leave.  He only went to counseling to keep me from leaving. Once I knew the truth, and I wrote down all things that happened over the years, I saw the pattern, I knew it was over. For over several months I tried to be reasonable and help him come to terms our marriage being over and with finding a way he would be taken care of long term etc. 

What I did not know, is that behind the "scenes" he was telling horrible lies about me to his family. He told them our youngest son and I had abused him! They had hired an attorney, removed all of our savings and basically set me up. They would go in my house and bedroom when I was at work, checking out our belongings, and even removed some things from my home. His behavior worsened to the point I had to call the police a few times. He would act perfectly normal and tell them I was crazy. I talked to his Dr. and he suggested I get an evaluation done. I did, but I never saw it. As I said, I didn't know he had a lawyer. (And his sister had the evaluation sent to her) Then they all forced me out of my own home. They told me they were going to help me move out if I didn't --  My youngest brother was dying of cancer also, at this same time, I didn't see what was happening.  He would set me up, torment me, and then laugh saying no one would believe me. A poor man with MS!  I did think I was loosing my mind. I read about gaslighting, and that is what happened to me. 

I called his sister and told her to stop removing things from my home. I tried to explain what was happening, and that they were wrong, that he was lying to them. His sister told me she was tired of me "playing the victim" and why the HELL didn't I just leave?!  She was mean, and refused to listen to me or accept the truth.  I never played the victim, I had sent a book to one of his other sisters about spouses who were married to someone with MS, and how it affected the entire family, It was titled,  "The other victim"  I was trying to make them understand that I needed HELP sometimes, and they never helped when their brother was sick, on his bad days. I had tried to tell them many times about his behavior and how his personality could change from nice to mean.

I did leave eventually, but only when I could no longer  go in my own house. I was practically living in my car.

After I left him, he found out where I lived, he stalked me, threatened me, and would wait for me to get home from work. I had to get a protective order, and he told his family and attorney that I was provoking him which caused him to do what he did to me! His brother and his sister threatened me also. How adults acted this way after knowing me for over 30 years was beyond my comprehension. I understand now that they were all abusive, it wasn't me, it was them, and that was how he was raised.  My three adult children have no family close by, just me.

Their father passed away this last July.  He died a long sad death, (a bed sore so bad it was infected to the bone and he had to have his colan removed.) he never recovered.  His family didn't tell our children that he was in the hospital until a month later, and I am proud of how my children made sure he was comfortable the last few weeks of his life. 

Within two years after I had left my ex husband, his family had spent over 50K in attorney fees (using our home's equity) without my knowledge, or my ex-husbands knowledge  I was paying him alimony, for six years, I struggled, and worked two jobs.  I do not know how his attorney sleeps at night, that is money that would have been better used for his care.  I am not a victim, I was victimized.   He ended up being a victim of his own family in the end.