Forgiveness and the Puzzle

Over the last seven years, I’ve been working on forgiving the people I need to forgive. If there is something I could compare what it’s like I’d say it’s similar to a large colorful jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces to count.  One day, it’s a perfect picture and the next day it’s in a zillion pieces all over the table again.  You sit down and start matching the colors and fitting the pieces that match. Some of them don’t match so you give up and walk away from it for a few days.  In the meantime, someone bumps the table and the pieces that were together are on the floor. You sit down and start over. Every time, over and over, and each time it gets easier to remember where the pieces went. You get angry, but you get over it quicker each time. Sometimes it takes a lot longer to regroup. You get further each time you have to start over. Some days, it goes really well, and you get more and more of the puzzle together.

Once in awhile, when you have it figured out, someone bumps the table really hard, and you again, have to start all over. Sometimes it’s just a small “bump” and it’s no big deal.  Either way, you go back and start over or start where you stopped. You keep going, you don’t give up. Over and over and over, until one day you have it all together.  There will always be those puzzle “lines” or “cracks” so you have to start gluing the pieces now.  The times you go back and start over are less and less. The end result gets more real and tangible; you can see clearly, eventually it will be finished.  Totally finished, all the pieces are in the right places. It’s never perfect, but in time, you forgive and forget and you don’t have to keep going back to start over or finish it.  The “cracks” will always be there.  Forgiveness is always a work in progress.  Just like a huge jigsaw puzzle.  It takes time, and it takes percerveriance and it takes a lot of work.  

Anyone that has spent time with me in person on a regular basis, (I think) knows this is how it’s been for me.  I am thankful for all my friends and family, who watched me and listened to me every time someone “Bumped” my work in progress and I had to go back and start over. I’m thankful you never told me what I needed to do; you were there to give me ideas, you were there to offer a way to make me walk away for awhile to forget about it.  You never judged me, you never stopped being there, and you let me figure out what I already knew.  I think you all know who you are. We all learn life’s lessons differently, some of us never learn. Some people never have a huge jigsaw puzzle that get’s “bumped” over and over. Some puzzles are easier than others, and so it goes with everyone’s own life.  What I do know is that I didn’t do it all alone, every one of my friends and family were always a part of my puzzle, (or with me on the way to learn how to forgive).  Yes, if you are wondering, why the heck didn’t I move the damn puzzle to a different location where it wouldn’t have been bumped?  I couldn’t, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t change tables, my every “move” had to be reported and approved.  I don’t have to do that anymore.  I can move my table and my puzzle anywhere I want now.  It will be much easier to keep the puzzle in one giant full picture, even with the cracks, it will be safe now.

I read this on another site, and it is very good advice.  Always good to have a reminder and to read it over and over. It is true.

As you look back on your life, you will often realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from something good, you were in fact being redirected to something better.  You can’t control everything.  Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out.  Let go a little and just let life happen.  Because sometimes the truths you can’t change, end up changing you and helping you grow.
Here are twelve such truths…

1. Everything is as it should be.  It’s crazy how you always end up where you’re meant to be – how even the most tragic and stressful situations eventually teach you important lessons that you never dreamed you were going to learn.  Remember, oftentimes when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place.
2. Not until you are lost in this world can you begin to find your true self.  Realizing you are lost is the first step to living the life you want.  The second step is leaving the life you don’t want.  Making a big life change is pretty scary.  But you know what’s even scarier?  Regret.  Vision without action is a daydream, and action without vision is a nightmare.  Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it.  Read Awaken the Giant Within.
3. It’s usually the deepest pain which empowers you to grow to your full potential.  It’s the scary, stressful choices that end up being the most worthwhile.  Without pain, there would be no change.  But remember, pain, just like everything in life, is meant to be learned from and then released.
4. One of the hardest decisions you will ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or take another step forward.  If you catch yourself in a cycle of trying to change someone, or defending yourself again someone who is trying to change you, walk away.  But if you are pursuing a dream, take another step.  And don’t forget that sometimes this step will involve modifying your dream, or planning a new one – it’s OK to change your mind or have more than one dream.
5. You have to take care of yourself first.  Before befriending others, you have to be your own friend.  Before correcting others, you have to correct yourself.  Before making others happy, you have to make yourself happy.  It’s not called selfishness, it’s called personal development.  Once you balance yourself, only then can you balance the world around you. Read Psycho-Cybernetics.
6. One of the greatest freedoms is truly not caring what everyone else thinks of you.  As long as you are worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them.  Only when you require no approval from outside yourself, can you own yourself.
7. You may need to be single for a while before you realize that, although the co-owned belongings from your failed relationships might not have been divided equally, the issues that destroyed the relationships likely were.  For how can you stand confidently alone, or see the same issues arising in your newest relationship, and not realize which broken pieces belong to you?  Owning your issues, and dealing with them, will make you far happier in the long run, than owning anything else in this world.
8. The only thing you can absolutely control is how you react to things out of your control.  The more you can adapt to the situations in life, the more powerful your highs will be, and the more quickly you’ll be able to bounce back from the lows in your life.  Put most simply: being at peace means being in a state of complete acceptance of all that is, right here, right now.
9. Some people will lie to you.  Remember, an honest enemy is better than a friend who lies.  Pay less attention to what people say, and more attention to what they do.  Their actions will show you the truth, which will help you measure the true quality of your relationship in the long-term.
10. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough.  If you are thankful for what you do have, you will end up having even more.  Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold; happiness dwells in the soul.  Abundance is not about how much you have, it’s how you feel about what you have.  When you take things for granted, your happiness gets taken away.  Read The Happiness Project.
11. Yes, you have failed in the past.  But don’t judge yourself by your past, you don’t live there anymore.  Just because you’re not where you want to be today doesn’t mean you won’t be there someday.  You can turn it all around in the blink of an eye by making a simple choice to stand back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again.
12. Everything is going to be alright; maybe not today, but eventually.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  Sure the sun stops shining sometimes, and you may get a huge thunderstorm or two, but eventually the sun will come out to shine.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of us staying as positive as possible in order to make it to see the sunshine break through the clouds again.

In verbally abusive relationships, there are SOMETIMES signs in the beginning that the person you’re embarking on a relationship might be abusive later. Sometimes there are no signs.

If abusive people are GREAT at one thing, it’s being on their very best behavior when they need to be, in order to make themselves look good and to cover their “Mr. Hyde” face in front of someone they’re trying to impress, get what they want, or in public (because that’s their cover). They are VERY charming people. When they WANT to be.

It’s not always that victims just ignore the signs. Many times they’re just not THERE.
...
Other times there are some indicators, but we don’t SEE them because, unless we *know* what we were looking for (and many people don’t) – we don’t recognize them. Only later after doing some research or talking to a counsellor or reading a self-help book (hindsight is 20/20) they think “uh-huh, oh yea…I see that now”.

But they didn’t see it then. And there may be a lot of reasons for that, but weakness, stupidity, inferiority to anyone else, “just making bad choices”, or lack of personal responsibility are none of them.

So, I think some education is key. Self-education or whatever. Many victims of abuse know “something” isn’t right with their relationships AFTER the stuff starts and escalates for a while. “Something” doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s getting dark and toxic and nasty and they can’t seem to get out of that cycle.

 (Escape Abuse)

I've been reading about emotional abuse and controlling men. Not all men fit every characteristic listed under the descriptions of the different disorders. There was one thing I always knew and that was the he was controlling.  He found ways to control me, as fast as I figured out what he was doing, he would find something else to use to manipulate me. 

When I read the numerous blogs and websites dedicated to emotional and abusive behavior, it seems that there are SO MANY people who are in or have been in an abusive relationship.  Is it more common these days or are people more attune to recognizing it?  Why are so many men controlling and abusive? I know my husband believed he owned me, different things he said told me so. I brushed his comments off as being a joke sometimes, but he wasn't joking. That is what he truly believed. He never looked at me as his equal, he was superior to me.  Was that part of the narcissism or society as a whole?  Why do so many men abuse and control their wives and girlfriends?  Why do they need to do it?   Why do they lie?

I went to visit my ex-husband two weeks or so before he died. My oldest son told me his family would not be visiting him that day. It was on a Sunday, and my son told me they were all going to be at a family reunion. He told me it was good time to see his father, he still knew what was going on around him.  So, I went to the hospital and asked the nurses if anyone else was in his room, and they said, no in fact, no one has been here all day to see him. 

He was asleep when I went in, so I sat down and waited for him to wake up. He was on oxygen at that point, he had a lung infection on top of the other problems.  He had to remove the mask to talk, the first thing he said to me was that he was sorry.  I believe maybe he meant it that time, I'm sure he knew he was very sick at that point.  In any case, I didn't go see him so he could tell me he was sorry.  I needed to go for myself, just as much as for him.  He had no effect on me anymore, as far as being able to control me. We had been divorced for six years. Of course, I still had compassion and empathy for him, and it made me sad that he didn't have to end up they way he was. 

They say things happen for a reason. For a very long time, I wanted someone to recognize that they were wrong about me. I just wanted the people that caused so much pain to my children and I to simply say:    "I am sorry" or "we were wrong" or "we did not understand how hard it was for you"  But I know I will never hear any of these words.  For a long time, (too long) it hurt that the people I loved as my own family, would believe things that were not true. And then, also, do things to intentionally cause pain to me.  

The year before the final divorce, I entered into a series of "Consent Orders" with my ex-husband and through his attorney. (He was never present in person) She thought I was influencing him, and she made sure he was never at any meetings or hearings where he could talk to me) None of the consent orders were of my benefit, they were related to my agreeing to waive use and possession of our home, and other issues they refused to negotiate.  I agreed to "Consent Agreements"  to keep from having a court hearing where the Judge would have made the final decision.  In my strange way of thinking at the time, I thought that every time I did that, (agreed to what they wanted without a hearing) that they would see that I was trying to do the right thing, and that they would understand that I wasn't the enemy.  I was protecting them from a full hearing in a courtroom,  where I would have had to tell all the things that had happened, and why our marriage was so broken. I thought I was protecting everyone from the pain I had felt.  I was trying to do what was best.  Also, logically, I thought it would save both of us money on attorney fees. (I NEVER wanted to have the courts involved in any aspect of my life to begin with)  IF they had not hired the attorney (especially an attorney who disliked me as much as they did), I know the outcome would have been much different.

Ok, I got off subject. I am thankful because what happened made me realize that I am lucky.  I am lucky I wasn't born and raised in this family.  They chose to believe what they did because it made them feel better about themselves. It kept them from having to admit they were wrong.  I am thankful I don't think the way they do. I would never have assumed what they did about anyone unless I had seen it and heard it in person. I am thankful I can say I am sorry, I was wrong, and I love you when I should.  I realize now, in the over 30 years I knew them, I never heard any one of them say any of these words, ever to anyone. 

It is always easier to blame someone else, and I was the one to blame. I realize that there was nothing that I could have done that would have changed what happened. 

I am so thankful I do not think the way my ex-husband (did) and his family do.  I'm not better than them, and I am not perfect.  The difference is that I am honest, I don't lie, not even to protect myself.  I can live with what I tried to do, and I know I wasn't to blame for what happened. It doesn't matter what they think or believe, I know the truth. And, I am thankful I learned it is OK to do what is right for myself.

My ex-husband had been abusive off and on when we were first married, but seemed to get better until he found out he has MS, unfortunately, it was around the same time our youngest son was born. He was abusive toward our youngest son much more often than anyone else. There was a time I was considering divorce, but then the MS and he told me that was why he was so angry. I never understood why his behavior was worse toward our son. Too many years went by, and his health would be good and then bad, I always took care of him when he was sick.   I did most everything on my own. Even when he was screaming at me and our son, calling us names and things I cannot repeat.  I cleaned the crap off him while he was laying on the floor, and then helped him get up off the floor. Many times. MS is a strange disease, the next day he might be perfectly fine physically.  Some days he couldn't get out of bed, sometimes he could do anything he wanted.  But, he had trouble with his bowels from the beginning, he was either constipated or had diarrhea and didn't make it to the bathroom in time.  He was over six feet tall, and I did help him the best I could on my own, or with our son's help.

 In counseling, he finally admitted he never wanted me to have our son. He had wanted me to have an abortion, and I had refused.   At the time 15 years earlier when I found out I was pregnant, and he told me what he wanted me to do, I told him I couldn't do that. And, we had talked, but now I know I did all the talking, he just listened. I explained why I couldn't do what he wanted, and I thought he understood. But years later, I had a nagging feeling and I would put it out of my mind. No, it was not possible to think what was in the back of mind.  By the time he admitted the truth, our son was 14, and I had threatened to leave.  He only went to counseling to keep me from leaving. Once I knew the truth, and I wrote down all things that happened over the years, I saw the pattern, I knew it was over. For over several months I tried to be reasonable and help him come to terms our marriage being over and with finding a way he would be taken care of long term etc. 

What I did not know, is that behind the "scenes" he was telling horrible lies about me to his family. He told them our youngest son and I had abused him! They had hired an attorney, removed all of our savings and basically set me up. They would go in my house and bedroom when I was at work, checking out our belongings, and even removed some things from my home. His behavior worsened to the point I had to call the police a few times. He would act perfectly normal and tell them I was crazy. I talked to his Dr. and he suggested I get an evaluation done. I did, but I never saw it. As I said, I didn't know he had a lawyer. (And his sister had the evaluation sent to her) Then they all forced me out of my own home. They told me they were going to help me move out if I didn't --  My youngest brother was dying of cancer also, at this same time, I didn't see what was happening.  He would set me up, torment me, and then laugh saying no one would believe me. A poor man with MS!  I did think I was loosing my mind. I read about gaslighting, and that is what happened to me. 

I called his sister and told her to stop removing things from my home. I tried to explain what was happening, and that they were wrong, that he was lying to them. His sister told me she was tired of me "playing the victim" and why the HELL didn't I just leave?!  She was mean, and refused to listen to me or accept the truth.  I never played the victim, I had sent a book to one of his other sisters about spouses who were married to someone with MS, and how it affected the entire family, It was titled,  "The other victim"  I was trying to make them understand that I needed HELP sometimes, and they never helped when their brother was sick, on his bad days. I had tried to tell them many times about his behavior and how his personality could change from nice to mean.

I did leave eventually, but only when I could no longer  go in my own house. I was practically living in my car.

After I left him, he found out where I lived, he stalked me, threatened me, and would wait for me to get home from work. I had to get a protective order, and he told his family and attorney that I was provoking him which caused him to do what he did to me! His brother and his sister threatened me also. How adults acted this way after knowing me for over 30 years was beyond my comprehension. I understand now that they were all abusive, it wasn't me, it was them, and that was how he was raised.  My three adult children have no family close by, just me.

Their father passed away this last July.  He died a long sad death, (a bed sore so bad it was infected to the bone and he had to have his colan removed.) he never recovered.  His family didn't tell our children that he was in the hospital until a month later, and I am proud of how my children made sure he was comfortable the last few weeks of his life. 

Within two years after I had left my ex husband, his family had spent over 50K in attorney fees (using our home's equity) without my knowledge, or my ex-husbands knowledge  I was paying him alimony, for six years, I struggled, and worked two jobs.  I do not know how his attorney sleeps at night, that is money that would have been better used for his care.  I am not a victim, I was victimized.   He ended up being a victim of his own family in the end. 

I read this on another blog:

Trustworthy?
You’re an honest, forthright person. You take your obligations seriously. You would never dream of taking advantage of someone—so when a sociopath takes advantage of you, you won’t see it coming. If you play by the rules, know this:
Sociopaths don’t.