THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best ,and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Question?

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. 

Question: - what should a person do if a loved one is threatening to kill themselves and also stated if they did so, it would be their (child's) fault or your fault?  I know my answer.  No need to answer if you feel uncomfortable doing so. I just wanted to know if my answer was the best I could have come up with.  This is part of what forced me to leave my home back in 2005 (and thereby angering my ex-husband's family who had no idea what I was dealing with.) 

I have found a better life. I am free. To go where I want. To do what I want. I can live where I want. I know this is something only I can understand, but because of the controlling behavior I experienced in my marriage and then when my husband's sister and attorney took over.  But each day, each month, it gets better. Just the little things. All the firsts.  My first raise in 3 years.  My first raise in SEVEN YEARS that I do not have to worry about being taken to court to pay more alimony. I NEVER wanted to go to court to begin with. Being taken to court to pay MORE alimony in order to pay an increase in attorney fees did not help my ex-husband.  Two months later, he was diagnosed with a stage four bed sore.  He had the means to have better care. He had to have had the bed sore more than two months. My conscious is clear.  I did all I could to make sure he didn't end up the way he did. The day he decided to tell lies about me, was the beginning of the end for him. Once his family and attorney believed what he said, it was done. Too many times, I tried to tell the Judge, but it was a waste of time and effort. It was out of MY control.  His care was in the control of his sister, and he made that choice, not me. Do I have regrets? Yes, of course. I regret holding out belief that someone would recognize what happened. I regret trying to do the right thing for him, instead of myself.  The only person I hurt, was myself.  Another lesson learned.

I have choices.  I can choose to give up on people. I can SAY whatever I want. I can choose to do whatever I want to. Finally.  Free of the control.  Thankful I have family who would take care of me if I were sick and not blame someone else and punish them for something neither of us had no control over.  Thankful I have family who are honest. Thankful.  Looking forward to  many more "Firsts" where I don't have to look over my shoulder or worry.  For way too long, I cared too much about things I had no control over.  I only have control of my actions and thoughts.  You can't make anyone be what you thought they were or what you want them to be.  They are who they are.

Some people will lie to you.  Remember, an honest enemy is better than a friend who lies.  Pay less attention to what people say, and more attention to what they do.  Their actions will show you the truth, which will help you measure the true quality of your relationship in the long-term.

Hmmm - but what about someone who you thought was a friend who turned into an enemy who also lied about you in order to intentionally hurt you?  That hurts. A lot.  Lesson learned: some people were never worth your love. Period.  Don't let them keep you from being honest.  And, they will never be honest, nor will they be anyone's friend.  They are good at pretending to be what they are not.  I would rather be hated for who I am than liked for who I am not.  I think I get it now. But -  I will still always be honest, and I will always be a good friend.  Mostly, I feel sorry for someone who can't be honest, even to themselves.  You are your own best friend, and if you can't be honest with yourself, then how could you ever be honest to a friend?   Have I changed? Yes. I have learned things about others I wish I had not. But I will still always be honest.  I will always be true to myself. First.  My most valuable lesson learned the last 7 years.

Today It is What It Is - July 4, 2013

It takes time to recover from years of manipulation and control.  This is something I was unable to do because of what happened AFTER I left my husband.  It was difficult to understand because I was forced to continue to relive the past through what was occurring with my former husband’s family, his attorney, and the house (sale) and the alimony.  I was unable to “Move On” until he passed away one year ago.  To be clear to anyone who reads this; I never wanted him to die.  He was the father of my children and regardless of anything else, they loved him and he loved them (when he was the “normal” person) he was capable of being until he got sick.  I keep saying this because I do not know how his mind worked, I don’t know what type of mental illness he suffered from, I only know he was like two completely different people, and the sicker he got physically, the mean, angry person came out more and more also.  As time went on, and the more this happened, the more difficult it was to define or understand what was happening.  What our children saw or lived with is only known to each of them, I cannot try to describe their personal experiences, I can only describe from my perspective what they may have seen or lived with.

My oldest son told me that when he was going through pictures for his father’s funeral that the pictures brought back good memories; and that at one time, he thought we were a normal, happy family.  The pictures he was referring to were all from before his father got sick.  I am thankful for that, because at that time, I thought we were all happy also.  From my perspective, the really bad times started gradually and it wasn’t easy to recognize what was happening.  I’m glad that they have good memories, and that the pictures can remind them of that.  The two youngest may not be able to remember the good times, they were younger that their oldest brother.  Most of their memories will be of the years prior to when we left, and the years after related to court hearings and my frustration at not being able to make their father’s family understand or be reasonable.  Those years were full of conflicting feelings, anger, fear, control, and financial struggle.   What I wanted was a reasonable outcome, but that would prove impossible.

One of the most difficult things at this time is that now, their father is gone forever.  They knew he was “gone” emotionally a long time ago.  For whatever reasons, due to a mental condition or the MS, he was not the father they remember from the family pictures when they were young.  For whatever reasons, their father’s family hid or denied this the last seven years, and, most significantly, they chose to blame me instead.   Because they chose to blame me, our children have no relationship with family member’s from their father’s side.   Everyone forgot I was still our children's mother, and they were incapable of separating me from our children.  Their anger was directed at our youngest son especially, just like their father's anger.  They resented me because they had to take care of their brother.  They resented me for leaving him and they refused to talk to me in a reasonable manner. So much time was wasted blaming me that no one recognized who they were hurting the most.  It wasn’t me that they were hurting the most; it was our children and their father who were hurt more than anyone.  That is what I could not make anyone understand.  It is too late now because he passed away July 3, 2012

He’s not here anymore.  If I had not been forced to leave during the time his sister took control of his emotions, who knows what would have happened.  One thing I do know, IF his lawyer and his family had not taken control of my ex-husband’s emotions and our divorce, he and our children would have been much better off.  He would not have suffered for as long as he did and died a slow painful death that could have and should have been avoided.  IF we were still married and I had placed him in full time care facility, I know he would NOT have been left with a stage four bed sore untreated to the point he would never recover.   It’s sad what happened and how he died.  I can’t change it, and I can’t go back and do it over. It is ok they believe I was “trying to put him in a mental hospital.”   I know the truth about what I was trying to do and why.  It was never all “about me” I know I tried to stop what happened and I know I did all I could to try to make the Judge, the lawyers, and his family understand.  I know why it happened and I know everything that happened was always out of my control. 

Which brings me back to our children, they miss their father.  They miss the father they remember, they will always miss him.   They loved him, regardless of anything else, they loved him.   I pray the bad times don’t affect them negatively the rest of their lives.  I’m glad they can look at the pictures and remember the good in their father and the good times.

Don't waste your time trying to explain

Why is it unnecessary to repair your reputation during and after DV, confront lies and try to end proxy abuse?

Going back to the abuse, even to correct a wrong would be similar to approaching a landmine and asking it to stop exploding. The liars will self destruct on their own while you go find a better life.

Definition of abuse

The new definition of domestic violence and abuse was implemented in March 2013. "Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behavior, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality."

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

• Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
• Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
• Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
• Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
• Does not want you to work.
• Controls finances or refuses to share money.
• Punishes you by withholding affection.
• Expects you to ask permission.
• Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
• Humiliates you in any way.

  Does your partner:

  • Embarrass you with put-downs?
  • Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
  • Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
  • Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
  • Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
  • Make all of the decisions?
  • Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
  • Prevent you from working or attending school?
  • Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
  • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  • Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
  • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  • Force you to try and drop charges?
  • Threaten to commit suicide?
  • Threaten to kill you?

  If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
  you may be in an abusive relationship.

  For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/what-is-domestic-violence/