To be honest, I am not an angry person. Normally, I am able to forgive people and move on. What happened to me (and what ended up happening to my former husband) defies logic.  Most of the time I do not think about the past much anymore.  I just wanted to have a place to put everything that happened in one place.  There are some things I still can't bring myself to write about. They are very personal, and If I were a younger person, I might be able to write about it all.  It took a long time for me to be able to write here openly on this blog.   I kept notes about what happening before I was forced to leave my home, and maybe I can scan them so I don't have to rewrite all that happened. There are other things all throughout the time I was married that I don't have notes about, but I remember.  I remember when he tried to strangle me when we were in bed, I remember when he violated my trust when I found out he was trying to film us in bed without my knowledge.  I remember when he hit me in the head and knocked me against the wall.

I also remember the good times. I remember trying to make someone understand when he got sick how hard it was. I remember his sister telling me it was my fault, that I must have provoked him for him to act that way. I remember the feelings of helplessness. Of being trapped, and the feelings of confusion.  Even still, I was trying to what was best for him, not me.

Why do people assume the worse instead of trying to be reasonable?  They say that the mind gets angry, but the heart never stops loving. I think that people who get angry and can't be reasonable, never loved to begin with.  I never stopped loving my ex-husband, I just stopped loving him in the manner a wife would love a husband. I recognized that years prior to when I was forced to leave him. I did the best with what I had at that time. 

I will NEVER forget what his family and lawyer did when they assumed the worst about me. It was revenge, it was not done out of "love" or to "support or protect" their brother.  It was pure anger and revenge. And, it lasted seven long years before it finally ended when he died last year.  I think God said, "Enough is Enough, they BOTH have suffered long enough at the hands of other people who had no business being involved"  The only way was for God to end it for both of us.  And he did, even though, sadly, my ex-husband suffered terribly the last few months of his life.  He died a long, painful, sad death.  And, I am free now. Free of the anger, free of the threats of paying more and more alimony just because his sister and attorney wasted so much money on our house, attorney fees, and making sure they won.  But they didn't win anything.  I know that IF they had not been involved with influencing his anger at me, and with the fact that they made sure I had no money or any choices, he would not have suffered the way he did before he died.  They say Karma never forgets anything. What we sew on this earth is what we reap. 

It's not for me to determine what happens or why. I know people use people, and I know they used his MS and disability to hide the fact that they resented me so much they didn't see who they were really hurting the most.  It wasn't about taking care of her brother, and it wasn't about love.  God knows WHY someone does something, God knows the truth.